


Gymnopédie

by sinkburrito



Series: Amor Carminis [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: (1x15 on netflix), (2x1 on netflix), Angst, Character Study, Episode: s01e08 Balance of Terror, Episode: s02e05 Amok Time, Episode: s02e25 Bread and Circuses, Falling In Love, Family Feels, Found Family, Friendship, M/M, Pining, Sibling Bonding, The Observation Deck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-15 08:25:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16059293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinkburrito/pseuds/sinkburrito
Summary: Spock is a child of two worlds, but belongs to none.





	Gymnopédie

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Erik Satie's The Gymnopédies, particularly the first one. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-Xm7s9eGxU here's the link for it on youtube

The shimmering expanse stretches out before him for more farther than anyone could ever count. Velvet folds of infinite space reach for miles like the hungering arms of the ever-curious explorer. Millions, billions, and more stars poke out from the darkness of space, tiny and barely distinguishable from Spock’s vantage point on the observation deck. Around those stars, planets orbit, planets with billions of people each, yet so far away from where he stands. Cold and quiet, indifferent and unaffected stars. On the ship of 429 other people, surrounded by galaxies and infinities, Spock almost feels alone.

 

The vast darkness seems to engulf him and the hard floor shrinks beneath his feet, but he is a Vulcan and thus feels exactly as he always has: nothing. He does not feel insignificant in the face of eternity, nor does he feel isolated or alone or small or… lonely.

 

Spock unclasps his hands from behind his back and exits the observation deck.

  
  
  


Breakfast has sleep reluctant to release him from its clutches and his eyes focusing and refocusing as he sits across the table from Kirk and McCoy. He has not been sleeping lately; instead, he spends his nights staring into oblivion on the observation deck. Their conversation filters in and out of his ears, like the volume adjusting over a speaker system. Kirk has his elbow propped up on the table, facing McCoy, and his eyes are crinkled in a smile as he shovels food into his mouth while simultaneously regaling them of the latest book he has read. McCoy’s finger wags as he butts in, arguing with Kirk over their interpretations of the main character. Spock silently eats another mouthful of oatmeal. He has not read the book they are discussing, but even if he had, he doubts he would be able to get a word in anyways. The world tips out of focus once more for a moment and Spock slips behind a glass wall and the conversation quiets to a murmur.  He is back one year ago, and sitting alone at his table like he always does. Ringed by empty chairs, Spock sets his tray down, taking up little space at the large table. Meals pass in a blur, merely necessity. Captain Pike sent him worried glances during their first few weeks together, but Pike does not bother to worry anymore. He knows that Spock does not (cannot) care about sitting alone.

 

“-pock? Spock?” McCoy shatters the wall with his words and Spock’s table is empty no longer. “Tell me I’m right. There’s no way in hell the second book was better than the first!” The doctor looks to Spock for salvation now as both he and Kirk turn their attention to him.

 

“As I have not read the series you discuss, I am not qualified to comment on this.” Spock states as McCoy harrumphs in disbelief and Kirk’s lips turn upwards in a Cheshire smirk.

 

“That’s right, Bones, so now you’re the only one who likes the first one. Chekov agrees with me,” Kirk says smugly. 

 

“Oh,  _ Chekov _ agrees with you. He’ll say anything to get your approval,” Bones grouses. “Spock, that’s why you have to read the book. I want an unbiased opinion.”

 

“Perhaps,” Spock says with a raised eyebrow. McCoy and Kirk return to their debate as the oatmeal in Spock’s bowl finally slides into focus. Spock says nothing but his eyebrow returns to its normal place. His table is no longer empty.

  
  
  


“Happy Birthday, Spock,” Michael says warmly from the viewscreen. “How is life on the ‘Fleet’s flagship?”

 

“Adequate,” Spock responds. 

 

“Of course it is,” Michael agrees. “Will you… Has Sarek… ?”

 

“Sarek has not been responding to my calls,” Spock says shortly.

 

Michael frowns slightly. “Still?” Annoyance flickers across her face. “He’ll come around, Spock.”

 

“Perhaps,” Spock hedges. 

 

“It’s unlikely that your time will come, Spock. There’s no need to worry about getting to Vulcan.” Michael reassures him.

 

Spock stays silent.

 

“If you want to- Discovery will be on shore leave on Station 6 next month; I think Enterprise will, too. We can meet up, okay? Maybe even comm Amanda.” Michael suggests, worry etching her brow.

 

“That will not be necessary. I will see you then,” Spock responds, cutting off the call. 

  
  
  
  


_ Call Terminated _ (7)

 

Sarek still does not answer.

  
  
  
  


The observation deck is usually empty when Spock arrives, as it is now. He walks soundlessly across the floor to his spot against the glass, tucks his hands behind his back. He catches his reflection in the glass. His face is placid, completely neutral and his jet black hair neatly combed into the Vulcan style. He looks every bit the part, robustly Vulcan and severe, purely logical. A sense of pride worms its way into his heart and he is immediately disgusted by it, then horrified at the emotions straining through the cracks. His reflection changes, looking visibly stricken. Spock catches sight of his own brown eyes, impossibly human, and turns away abruptly. Michael’s words float through his mind: “ _ It’s unlikely that your time will come, Spock. _ ” He is Vulcan, but not Vulcan enough. 

  
  


Sybok glares defiantly at Sarek as he kicks open the door. “Fine! I don’t need you anyways! You’re just like the rest of them, too caught up in your logic. You’re obsessed, the lot of you!” he shouts, hefting his bag on his shoulder and storming away. Spock and Michael crowd Amanda’s skirts as their father’s face twitches. 

 

“Is he ever coming back?” Michael asks timidly.

 

“It is of no consequence,” Sarek says stiffly.

 

“Sarek, how can you say that; he’s your-“ Amanda argues.

 

“He is no son of mine!” Sarek snarls, snapping like brittle chalk.

 

Spock keeps his face blank as the words echo around his mind. Spock dares not disobey his father’s wishes after that, not until Starfleet.

  
  
  


The face of the Romulan commander is projected onto the viewscreen and Spock reigns in his surprise. He dares not look at Kirk, to see the reaction in his face. He can feel Lieutenant Stiles’ accusing glare scorch his skin and the stunned silence of the bridge crew. Spock does not look at Kirk. The implications of the Romulans being related to the Vulcans churns insecurity through even the green portion of his blood. Spock does not flinch at Stiles’ comment, but it is a near thing.

 

“Leave your bigotry in your quarters; there’s no room for it on the bridge,” Kirk is snapping and Spock finally looks at him and waves of relief crash over him. Kirk offers him a small smile and Spock clings to it like a lifeboat in a storm. 

  
  
  


The door chime buzzes and Spock calls for the visitor to enter. Jim appears in the doorway, warm and golden to the icy space that Spock calls home. 

 

“Hi, Spock,” he says with a gentle grin, “I was worried about you.”   
  


“There is no need,” Spock reassures him, “I am not unused to comments on my race.”   
  


Something flickers across Jim’s face. “Well, you shouldn’t be.”   
  
“It does not matter. They do not affect me,” Spock answers. He knows Jim is an emotional being, but he wants him to be pacified, to be content. Jim should not have to worry about Spock.

 

“I don’t believe that,” Jim says with a frown, “Like it or not, you’re human too. It worries me, seeing you bottle up those emotions. It’s not healthy.” To Spock’s neutral silence, Jim softens. It is like watching a camera lens shift in and out of focus, the way he goes from Kirk to Jim. Where Kirk is his commanding officer, a decision-maker, a courageous daredevil, Jim is soft smiles and laughter and golden sunlight that blinds Spock. Spock is in love with both of them. “I’m here, you know. If you ever want to talk about anything. I won’t say a word.”  Spock  ~~ dreams that he ~~

  
crosses the distance between them and draws Jim into his arms, burying his face into Jim’s neck. He feels the soft curves of Jim’s body and the muscle underneath and smells the citrus shampoo that Spock knows Jim uses because of their shared bathroom. He traces kisses up Jim’s neck, losing himself in the taste and the feel and pressing every inch of himself against Jim.  _ Parted from me and never parted, ashayam _ , he  ~~ wants to ~~ whispers against the skin.  _ T’hy’la, you honor me _ , and, the part he always wants to say, the part he always holds back,  _ T’hy’la, I love thee _ . 

 

Jim’s face falls when Spock does not answer him, staying rigidly still with hands clenched behind his back. “Well- Okay. But, Spock- I’m here for you, when you need it.” he says and leaves Spock standing there, expressionless. Spock is not human enough, either, it seems. 

 

“Thank you,” Spock says lowly as Jim’s hand reaches for the door. “Captain.” Jim gives him a tiny smile in return, another for Spock to add to his collection which he jealously hoards. When the door swishes closed after Jim leaves, Spock hangs his head and uncurls his fists. This is how it always is, with Jim  _ offering _ and Spock unable to accept. He has resigned himself to this fate, but it never ceases to wedge its rose-thorn talons into his green heart. 

 

Jim is so human, so full of emotion that he contains the whole of space in its infinity in himself. Jim is an enigma that Spock will never be able to unravel. Sometimes he thinks that Jim is to be worshipped from afar, but at other times, Jim is so frighteningly mortal that it stops Spock’s heart from beating in his side. Jim falls in love wildly and easily, but always with consistency. Jim falls in love with people who can love as strongly and as freely as he does, with no exceptions. That is why Spock can only love him from afar. Spock is not human enough.

  
  
  
  


“Do you know why you’re not afraid to die?” McCoy asks with fervor, “Because you’re too afraid of living!” Spock ducks his head, shame flowing through him. “Each day you stay alive is just one more day you might slip, and let your Human half peek out. That's it, isn't it? Insecurity.”

 

Spock remembers the day Sybok left  and the terror he felt. He remembers focusing on his studies with a manic energy, cutting his hair just right, and never, ever showing emotion again. He remembers the cold anger in Sarek’s eyes and the drowning zealotry it inspired that day because he didn’t want to leave, he didn’t want to  _ go- _

 

“Why, you wouldn’t know what to do with a genuine, warm, decent feeling!” McCoy snaps. Spock stays silent. He is aware of the doctor’s frustration and knows that it fuels his words, but they still slice through his skin like bitter winds. 

 

“Really, Doctor?” he asks. McCoy must know, of course he does. How could he not? McCoy gives a minute sigh and the irritation visibly bleeds out of him like squeezing water out of a sponge, giving way to exhaustion. “I know. I’m worried about Jim, too.”

  
  


_ Call Terminated (4) _

 

Despite Michael’s insistence, Spock finds himself in pon farr. Sarek still refuses to answer his calls and the Enterprise is barely able to divert there in time. Most of it passes in a blur, something he is immensely grateful for. When Spock requests for Jim and Leonard to accompany him, he still fears for a moment that they will refuse him. When they do not, he is greatly relieved. He does not remember much after setting foot on Vulcan except for the harrowing sensation of having all of his shields stripped bare, mental and physical. The intensity of what he felt had shocked him, had been a bright white light of pain. Upon arriving on Vulcan and seeing Sarek absent, loneliness and abandonment had speared him through the side, piercing the beating organ there. Despair, hurt, fear, all coursed through his veins as T’Pring initiated the koon-ut-kalifee and he fought Jim. With his shields down, the physical contact of combat was enough to send his mind into overload. Jim felt so much, so strongly, and combined with his own torrential flood, was enough to set fog over his eyes until the combat ended. 

 

Spock will never forget the way his blood had chilled when Jim’s body had stilled under his hands and the haze had lifted. He almost leapt at T’Pring and tore her throat out with his bare hands, pushed T’Pau off of that high chair to hear her bones crack against the stones, stuck Stonn’s head into the dirty sands until his lungs filled and bled. He barely remembers beaming back up to the ship, holding down vomit until Leonard dragged him to sickbay. 

 

Vulcans naturally do not have tear ducts. Spock had assumed that he did not, like all Vulcans. He was wrong. Crying  _ hurts _ , and the tears sting as they run down his face. He is bent over the toilet in sickbay, heaving up what little food he has eaten. Leonard is there with him, a steady hand on his back. Leonard has even gathered up his bangs into a tiny ponytail, sticking straight up on his head. The doctor tells him it is to keep the vomit from getting into his hair, which Spock doubts. He senses feelings of  _ fond/friend/worry/pity _ from McCoy. His shields have not returned and will not until he meditates. He heaves into the toilet again as he thinks of Jim and the guilt overwhelms him.

 

And what has his Vulcan heritage wrought? Jim had never known, had never had any evidence of the all-consuming love Spock held for him. Spock had lived a life of never belonging, of isolating himself from those around him, and for this? For his sun and light to die in the hot sands by his own hand? 

 

“Thank you, Doctor,” Spock murmurs as Leonard gently pushes a towel into his hand to wipe his mouth. 

 

“What’s that I hear? Is that a “Thank you?” Leonard gasps in mock amazement.

 

“Leonard, I wish to tell you of my regard for you,” Spock says impulsively. Jim may not have known, but Leonard can. “You are a steadfast friend to me and I treasure our conversations.”

 

Leonard is stunned into silence for a moment. “Well, I’ll be,” he says. “Alright, Spock. You’re a damn good friend too, and I’m sorry I ever called you a hobgoblin.”

 

Spock allows himself to briefly smile before the guilt hits him with a paralyzing blow. “But I am afraid I will have to take my leave of you and report myself to Starfleet for murder. Mr. Scott will be in charge of the ship in my absence.” 

 

“I think you’d better check with me first!” says a good-natured laugh in that honey sweet voice that haunts Spock’s dreams. 

 

“Jim!” he exalts, whirling around to see his Captain. He is there in all his glory, whiskey-dipped curls and the smile like sunshine that drips from his eyes. A thousand things rush through Spock’s mind at once, but the clearest one is this:  _ I love you so much that one day it will destroy me. _

 

Jim’s smile is just for him, and it is so wide and bright that the whole universe is contained in it. Spock is content to float into the sun and burn into nothing if he will at least be warm first.

  
  
  
  


“Hello, Mother,” Spock says tentatively. Michael sits beside him on Starbase 6 as they call their mother. Amanda’s face swims into view and she beams at them.

 

“Spock! Michael! How lovely it is to see the two of you! I’m so glad you’ve finally decided to call your mother,” Amanda gushes. “Oh, Spock, you look so much like Sarek now. And Michael, you’ve let your hair go back to its natural state! It looks so much better than the Vulcan style you used to wear.”

 

Spock’s lips curl upwards around the edges and Amanda notices. “Spock! You’ve let yourself smile. I’m-” Emotion chokes her throat, “I’m proud of you.”

 

“I am learning to balance my heritage,” Spock replies with a real smile. Michael’s gaze turns warm with pride and Spock basks in the love of his family.

  
  
  
  


Spock stares up at the shimmering expanse once more. Of all the planets, of all the places… he has a home. Black boots tap on the hard floor. 

 

“Spock,” Jim acknowledges quietly as he takes his place beside Spock. Spock wants him to lean his head on his shoulder.

 

  
  


“Brother! What are you doing here?” Sybok asks in astonishment as Spock stares up at his older brother defiantly in the doorway. Beyond the city limits of Shi’kahr, Sybok lives a life fundamentally different than that of most Vulcans. 

 

“Why did Father make you leave?” Spock asks, his lower lip wobbling in determination at the tender age of twelve. 

  
  


“So, McCoy said that I missed seeing you in a little ponytail,” Jim comments in the silence, edging closer to Spock.

 

Spock’s lips turn upwards slightly and he turns his gaze from the infinities above to the infinities below. “Indeed.”

 

“I must say, I’m a little disappointed,” Jim says, still watching the stars. Spock thinks he is foolish to do this, because Jim contains all the stars in the sky already.

  
  
  
  


“Oh, sa-kai, it is very complicated,” Sybok says. “But Sarek and I do not agree on many things.”   
  
“Like what?” Spock asks.

 

“I believe that Vulcans should embrace emotion once more,” Sybok admits. “What is the point of refusing to admit that we have emotions? Logic in the extreme harms us in more ways than we can imagine.”

 

“But that is illogical,” Spock says.

 

Sybok chuckles. “That is the point.”

  
  
  


Spock reaches out and curls his fingers around Jim’s. Jim squeezes back. 

 

Jim leans his head on Spock’s shoulder.

 

**Author's Note:**

> um hey im Back on my Bullshit™ with another piece like this  
> uhh so spock has a lot of problems with emotions n stuff so basically the core of it is this: he feels lonely on vulcan because his family has a lot of push/pull and he thinks that feeling anything at all is not being vulcan enough. he feels lonely on the enterprise because he's always hiding his emotions so he cant really show his feelings towards his friends there and especially towards jim because he's not human enough either. anyways so going to vulcan for amok time was a turning point because all his shields were stripped away and he thought he lost jim so now he's kinda realizing that he needs to find a middle ground and thats uh. calling his mom and embracing his human side a little, but still remaining mainly vulcan while allowing himself to show those he loves that he does love them  
> anyways i have a lot of feelings about spock hit me up @bluestergold on instagram or tumblr
> 
> OH and im always a slut for music fic


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